Please raise your hand if you have EVER said something that you regretted. Everyone? I thought so.
We all have said something in our past that we shouldn’t have said. These words can result in a communication breakdown.
Here’s the situation. Someone said something to you that they shouldn’t have. Have they ever given you one of these “-pologies”?
The Ifpology
The Ifpology begins promisingly with the words I’m sorry BUT it takes a sharp left turn at the word IF. It sounds something like, “I’m sorry if you were offended by that.”
This apology tells you that it is your fault that there is a communication breakdown since you took offense at what as said. This is not an apology at all, but finger-pointing or blaming.
Defensepology
The Defensepology is a way of insisting that you were not in the wrong while saying you were. It sounds something like, “I’m sorry I was late, but I didn’t know it was going to rain.” Like the rain is the only reason they were late. It really wasn’t their fault as the rain held them up until they were late.
These -pologies usually come after miscommunication and are not really apologies. They are excuses to get the blame off them.
If you are on the receiving end of these -pologies, you may become frustrated and angry. You may lose your trust in others and that mistrust can harden into resistance.
To overcome this frustration, anger, and mistrust, you need to use candor and confession. Take responsibility for your words and tone.
Micahel Hyatt in his book No-Fail Communication explains 3 ways to take responsibility for your communication.
Confront calmly and objectively
State your concern in objective terms. Don’t use label words like – you were rude, obnoxious- as these can be disputed. Facts cannot be disputed.
1. State what happened
Tell the other person what facts you observed. For example, you hit your hand on the table, raised your voice, and said, “Enough”.
2. State what you expected to happen
I expected you to be calm and explain yourself in your normal voice
I didn’t expect you to hit your hand on the table and raise your voice
3. State how it made you feel (the impact it had on your work and your relationship with this person)
This made me jump and surprised me. It made me anxious and not want to say anything else to you. It made me realize our relationship is not what I thought it was.
4. State what you would like to see moving forward
Since you can’t change the past, this shows the person you are willing to move forward in a relationship with them. It also gives boundaries for how you want the people in the relationship to behave moving forward.
Here’s an example, “Moving forward, I would like you to respond calmly and not hit things in frustration. I would like your actions and words to show that you value our friendship.”
Own your failure
When you are the one miscommunicating,
1. Own It.
Say what you did wrong. Don’t just use a generic I’m sorry as you might be sorry for one thing and the other person think you are sorry for something else. Be specific so there isn’t more miscommunication.
I once had a boss who said, “Those things are crap” and then apologized to me. I said, “Why are you apologizing, you say worse swear words than that.” She was apologizing for calling the items crap as they weren’t crap, but I thought she was apologizing for the almost swear word. We had a good laugh and moved on.
2. Affirm that you understand the harm.
If the person said you embarrassed them, apologize for that even if that wasn’t your intention. Just because what happened wouldn’t embarrass you doesn’t mean that they weren’t embarrassed.
This shows that you understand their uniqueness and helps you learn more about the other person. It shows that you value them as a person and are willing to not do things that would embarrass them in the future.
3. Express remorse.
Say I’m sorry and mean it. Don’t be like the little kid who says “Sorry” with a scrunched-up face and his tongue sticking out. Really mean it.
Then, ask for forgiveness. This is to express to them that you hope the relationship can be restored. I once heard someone say that this is humbling yourself in front of the other person. By doing this, you show that you value the relationship.
Agree to move forward.
If you have offered an apology, your words will have no meaning if not followed by your changed behavior.
Don’t apologize for being harsh with them and then be harsh with them the next time you see them. The apology words only have value if the previous behavior changes and a new behavior starts and continues.
Small Steps
We all have done poorly with communicating with others at least once (a day for some of us 😊). We know that we need grace in those situations and can extend grace to others as well.
A sincere apology is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and a mark of good leadership.
When you mess up, own it, apologize and do better. Think how the world would be if we could all do this.
Try the above steps the next time you or someone else messes up and let us know how it went in the comments below.