Communication takes two parties: the sender and the receiver. The sender gives the message. The receiver gets the message.
Only when both parties come to the same understanding does communication really happen. You would think that would be so simple… It’s not.
In the title question, your answer will depend on your outlook. If your strategy is to win at all costs your communication is probably not expressed. You see the person or group as an opponent.
But if your strategy is to have a common understanding to work with others, then your communication is probably open and transparent. You see the group or person as an ally. This kind of communication takes time and touchpoints but results in esprit de corps.
Have you ever had a boss that wouldn’t give you the whole picture? You thought you understood.
You worked on the project and thought, “I’ve really hit this one out of the park.” Only to have your boss berate you for missing the mark.
As that conversation progresses you find out some important things. In fact, had you known you would have been able to accomplish it quicker and avoided the “feedback” all together.
Why is it so hard to communicate? On the whole, people are poor at communication.
So ask yourself, how can I be a better communicator?
Take responsibility for ALL communication that involves you. Whether you are the sender or the receiver, make it your job to ensure that understanding occurs.
“The most important thing about being a communicator is being willing to communicate.”
– Michael Hyatt
Michael Hyatt in his book No-Fail Communication mentions 5 declarations to taking ownership of communication.
1. I will be the solution
When having a conversation with someone, take it upon yourself to ensure that true communication happens. Be the one that clarifies that there is a mutual understanding of the message. You both may be using the same word, but is the meaning the same.
One day I went to a McDonalds and asked the cashier if they had twist cones. He said yes. I was so thrilled as I love twist cones, so I ordered one.
Later, a manager was holding a vanilla cone and was trying to give it to me. I said, “No, I ordered a twist cone.”
She said, “We don’t have twist cones here”. I was not happy as I specifically asked for a twist cone and was told they had them.
For those of you who don’t know, a twist cone is an ice cream cone with both chocolate and vanilla ice cream swirled together.
I think the cashier thought they had twist cones because their ice cream was twisted instead of scooped. From now on, when I ask about twist cones, I now know I need to clarify what I mean. I have altered my question to ensure that understanding is happening.
2. I will externalize my thinking.
Don’t assume that just because you know something, that everyone else does. You might need to explain how or define something if the other person isn’t familiar with the topic.
Think of acronyms or terms, each discipline seems to have its own vocabulary. The military, medical, and technology fields all have specialized terms and processes.
If I were to say that we needed to set up some containers using Kubernetes and NGINX would you know what I was talking about? In the age of Google, you could piece it together fairly quickly for understanding the what, but probably not the how.
Take responsibility for information coming from you. As the sender, make sure that the message you are giving is the one you want to give and that your words, tone, and facial expressions are in alignment.
Make sure that everything in you is setting the other person up to be successful in understanding your message.
3. I will push for clarity.
Make sure you are providing all the information the other person needs in order to do what you want.
I had a colleague email me to set up sessions for a meeting. She provided the time, the date, and how many sessions I was supposed to set up.
I had to email her back to find out where the meeting would be held. She withheld a key part of the information that I needed to do my job. Once I clarified the meeting place, I was able to fulfill her request.
4. I will confirm understanding.
Communication happens, not when the other person receives the message, but when they understand the message. In my twist cone example, the cashier received the message but definitely did not understand what I wanted.
If he would have clarified what I meant by a twist cone, the miscommunication could have been avoided. This would have bypassed my disappointment as well.
One way to confirm understanding is to ask the person what he thought you said. Have him explain it in his own words instead of using yours to secure understanding.
5. I will over-communicate.
If you give a task to someone, give frequent reminders to them to ensure the task gets done. Check-in frequently and ask if they need any assistance or tools to help them finish the task. If you want feedback, give a deadline for when you want it.
Communication takes time and touch points to be successful.
I recently asked my daughter and her husband over for dinner. I asked my daughter to tell me what they wanted on the menu. Also, I wanted to know by the previous Wednesday.
Wednesday morning, I asked her if they had made a decision on what they wanted to have. This prompted her to tell me what they decided.
This gave her an opportunity for input into what we ate as well as time to get what I needed before cooking. I asked her a question and gave her time to think about it. In addition, I gave her a deadline for feedback and then prompted her reply.
I have found this to be a great way to get feedback from others without them feeling rushed.
Small Steps
Communication is not a one and done thing. Communication takes time and touchpoints to be successful.
Which of these five declarations do you need to work on? Declare it in the comments below.